Levi just left to spend his first night away...at his father's house. I thought I would be in the midst of horrible sobbing right now, but I don't think it's set in yet. That, and, there's a little piece of me still thinking Levi will cry so hard for his mommy that he'll be back in my arms before I can hit "publish".
Really, I hope that he'll be happy and content because what kind of mama would I be if I wished for this to be a traumatic experience for him. I've been mentally preparing myself all week....A constant internal mommy dialogue, "Do NOT...I repeat...Do NOT cry in front of the little guy. Smile. Act like it's going to be alright no matter what kind of awful, knotted up tummy kind of dread you feel inside. Do NOT let it show. Be reassuring. Do NOT cry. Do NOT cry. Do NOT cry." Okay, so I think the reason I'm not crying is because I repeated that about 500 times too many. The self brainwashing hasn't quite worn off yet.
It will....
I promise.
Give me another hour, and the tears will come flooding. I can feel them in there brimming and waiting. In the whole of his 2 years,1 month and 3 days on this planet, he's never spent the night away or even in a separate room.
I'm scared he'll be upset.
I'm scared he'll be mad at me.
I'm scared he'll think I'm never coming back.
I'm scared something will happen that is totally out of my control (as if that doesn't happen regularly anyway).
I'm scared.
I know that this is not the only time I won't have any semblance of control. That this isn't the biggest hurdle he and I will have to face together or separately. That this is only 24 hours, which in the grand scheme of things is just a blip in time.
Most importantly, though, I know that Levi is cared for by someone much greater than me who does have the reigns...who has numbered the hairs on his head...and who loves him much more than I could. I know that when I can't at least pretend to have control that God truly does have it. My hands aren't anywhere near big enough or strong enough to carry the weight of this world or even just of this one child, but God's are. Although, the tears are due any second now, I know that this too shall pass and even it will have purpose.
Awww...I definitely understand how this would be very, very hard for you! I too hate the thought of leaving my kids with someone else...you know? I really love to be in control...or to at least THINK I am! haha. But like you said...God really is in control, and even though it is terribly, terribly hard to not worry about our kids (I know...I'm a classic worrier myself), but like you said...GOD loves our kids more than we could...and he knows what's best no matter what. Hope the night goes well for everyone!
ReplyDeleteOh honey that was so raw, I really wish I could make those 24 hours easier for you. My Mum has a tatty little magnet stuck to her fridge that I have held in my hand and traced the form of the letters on it so many times they are barely there now. It says this:
ReplyDeleteGod grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.
He has made you stronger than you know, you will get through those things you cannot change.
Oh, I can feel your anguish - no words can offer comfort, I'm sure, but know that we are all thinking about you. :)
ReplyDeleteYou are in my thoughts and prayers. What a brave and wonderful momma little Levi has. XO
ReplyDeleteOh you sweet heart. I hope it all went ok.
ReplyDeleteSteph
Oh how my heart is with you. I don't even know how I would handle it. I know I'd have to find a way, but it would rip my heart out.
ReplyDeleteNell
Oh that is so hard to go through. I'm sorry that you have to do this. It will be okay, you'll get through it and maybe someday you'll enjoy having that time to yourself. Maybe?
ReplyDeleteWow! How did that go? I have never been away from my children for a night and would probably not be able to sleep at all their first time away!
ReplyDelete